Is ‘Cheating’ bad?
Well, let’s be honest, lying and deceiving someone who loves you and you’ve vowed to build a future with is not good behaviour. It’s not honest. It’s not trust worthy. And frankly, if someone I cared about and gave my-all to cheated on me, I’d very much struggle to trust them again, let alone view them in the same light.
So why write a book entitled “Cheating: How to Do it Right- A Guide for Women?” Truth be told, the title alone sounds like the devils manual to destroying lives, integrity and marriages. That’s just horrible! Not to mention, worthy of questioning the morals of the person who’d write such a book. Thus why I’m not offended or upset when people are shocked or in disgusted-awe over the title. It’s what I want, and I’m well aware that the open minded people will dig deeper for answers to their questions while others will get defensive and make false assumptions based on their own life experiences and perceptions.
I have a problem with generalisations and derogatory labels. I find them judgemental and painfully ignorant. “Cheaters are bad people” is one of those generalisations that’s never challenged. Who would dare look at the situation from the side of the ‘perpetrator’ rather than the ‘victim’? What person who’s cheated would willingly open up to the public about their deep rooted reasons which, for them at the time, justified their actions?
Well, I would. Not because I encourage disloyalty, but because I believe people are ultimately good. We come to life in search of truth, freedom, fulfilment and answers. Life will throw curve balls at us, make us question our choices; our self-worth; our dreams, and the majority of it us are so caught up in making everyone else happy and seeking approval, that we lose sight of our own needs, desires and bliss.
People will put us down, point the finger and judge us for everything we do. It’s about time someone looks at things differently and questions one of the most unchallenged labels- that which is branded on anyone who dares to seek gratification outside of their conventional relationship.
Mind you, as a single woman who’s never been married or had kids, this book was written for women in all relationships excluding marriage. Having never been there, I simply can’t presume the ability to shed light on the situations married people find themselves in.
Now, we all agree stealing from others is wrong. Yet would we label those who steal to feed their hungry kids as ‘immoral’? Or desperate? Are they bad people or just people trying to find their way in life?
Murder is wrong. Yet in a case of murder, do we not look at the surrounding circumstances to decipher if it was premeditated, self-defence or temporary insanity? The act may very well be wrong, but the surrounding circumstances are often extenuating whereby any one of us would be expected to act in a similar manner if so presented.
Well, it’s not so dissimilar in the case of cheating. Yes there are those who mindlessly and inconsiderately cheat out of greed or an intention to hurt another. But there are also those who find themselves in very difficult and trailing situations where cheating appears as the only plausible short-term solution or means of uncovering a suppressed emotional issue. The desire is for their own emotional need for intimacy, change, freedom, physical touch etc.
I have no intention of listing the millions of different scenarios people find themselves contemplating infidelity in. If you’ve cheated, been cheated on, or know of someone who has, you will know that there was a lot more to the situation that meets the eye. It’s not always a case of merely disrespecting and deceiving a saintly/ perfect partner.
Even when the partner may have unwittingly instigated or stirred up this desire to look outside the box, it is the ‘cheaters’ priority to not have them find out. Why? 1. The intention is not to break hearts 2. To avoid the repercussions society has us believe are acceptable – your partner immediately becomes labeled as the ‘poor victim’ and you automatically become the ‘immoral sinner’. No investigation is done. No questions are asked. No compassion is granted. You’re the bad guy towards whom vibrations of hatred, disgust and mistrust are sent while your partner sails off to PoorMe, Victimville USA.
To label everyone ever murdered as an innocent victim and everyone who’s killed as an evil, inhuman serial killer is both ludicrous and naive. So is the case with cheating.
As someone who’s been cheated on and has cheated herself, I understand how people can be driven into making those decision. It may not be the best decision, but it’s a decision the majority of us have made at one stage or another in our lives and we don’t do it with the intention of hurting anyone, rather with the desire to find answers to the questions burning inside us.
Finding and choosing a partner with whom you can vow to build your future with is no small task. There are things we look for and things we don’t realize we need until in the situation where it’s absence is staring us in the face.
In moments of fear, confusion or desperation, we turn to cheating. It’s been happening since the dawn of days. I didn’t invent it. My book didn’t make it popular.
Cheating: How to Do it Right- A Guide for Women simply acknowledges the many reasons women cheat and the varying emotional states they often find themselves in before, during and after the risky journey is taken.
With an understanding, objective, judgement-free perspective, it first walks women through the decision making process. From identifying WHY they wish to cheat, what they intend of gaining from it, whether it’s realistic, what they risk to lose, how large that risk is to their willingness to take that risk.
Knowing that almost 40% will go through this process and still feel the desire to cheat, the book then identifies all the guidelines one would have to follow to do the near impossible – get what they need to make a decision about the future of their relationship and hurt no one whilst in an obviously emotional state. It gives them the non-judgemental, understanding friend who’s able to look at the situation objectively and acceptingly with them rather than with fear or judgement.
The goal is not to promote cheating, but to encourage the application of independent, logical thought and decision making to one’s personal situations. By learning to shut out the white noise and endless chatter of those around us, we can hear our own voice, acknowledge our own needs and turn difficult moments into opportunities for personal growth.
No book can decide if ‘cheating’ is a a viable solution to Your personal predicament or whether it will leave you believing you’re a ‘bad person’. If you find yourself in an emotionally confusing relationship where thoughts of infidelity regularly cross your mind, put an end to the battle of voices in your head and take the time to properly analyse your situation, because acting purely based on fragile emotions will lead you down a rocky road. Take this opportunity to better understand yourself, your desires and your needs.